toxicity

Toxicity can be defined as the state of being poisonous. Often times we want change. Often times we don’t even know where to start. I feel as if our relationships around us determine our well being. Our well being is essentially how we measure happiness and health.

Currently I’m listening to “Bit** Don’t Kill My Vibe” it’s old but it still resonates with me. “Sometimes I need to be alone bit** don’t kill my vibe.” I like to consider myself as an introvert and more so a loner. I love people, I love serving others in need and I truly believe in the strength of humanity. But still most of the time I am the most comfortable when I am by myself. Now I must admit most of the best moments of my life have involved other people, special people. No matter how often I like to label myself as an introvert I truly love being with my loved ones.

I truly believe our happiness can be measured on how good our relationships can be. Some people think relationships are only romantic. Relationships involve your family, friends, co- workers, children, associates and lover. If your relationships are a mess 9/10 your life is a mess. There are some people who think they can survive in this world by themselves….I laugh at those people. I laugh because we all need somebody.

It’s pretty dope when you meet people who are truly irreplaceable. It’s truly dope when you meet people who love you for just being you. Those dope people love all of you including your flaws. Those dope people are patient with you. Those dope people pray for you without you asking. Those dope people support you and expect nothing in return. I have been blessed to have some pretty dope people in my life, it’s not many but I am blessed. A wise woman once told me that, “one true friend is worth more than a crew of fakes.” As I grow older I reflect more and more on quality than quantity. As a result some people haven’t reached where I am now in life. Some people have to get left behind not because they are horrible. We just outgrow some people and some situations.

Lately I have been in constant reflection on who should be in my life and who should not be in my life. It’s essential for me to realize that some relationships are indeed toxic to my growth. I am no longer accepting half a** love, people who can not ever apologize for their faults (because let’s be real we are not perfect, we are humans), people who I have to beg for their time, energy or support. I am no longer accepting those who are not patient with me and attack my character. I am no longer accepting friends who do not act like friends. I am no longer accepting one sided relationships. I am no longer accepting conditional love.

I really do not understand why I accepted that type of love before. I guess we “accept the love we think we deserve.” One of the hardest lessons in life for me is letting go. I want to take everyone I ever met that a held a special place in life with me…..that’s not possible. Some people are here for a season, seasons and some are here for a lifetime.

As I reevaluate who deserves a permanent spot in my life I reflect on regardless of who comes and goes I will always have the best relationship with My Creator, God. God is omnipresent and that’s truly special.

community

“when the world comes crashing at your feet

it’s okay to let others

help pick up the pieces

if we’re present to take part in your happiness

when your circumstances are great

we are more than capable of sharing your pain.”- Rupi Kaur

Ego vs. Soul…SOULed Out

Lately I’ve been focused. I’ve been focused on letting go of my ego and letting my soul thrive. What is your ego? What is your soul? What does all of this really even mean?

 

I have always considered myself a free spirit. I have always marched to the beat of my own drum. However, I did not always embrace being different. When I was younger I was terribly shy standing out was something I did not like to do. I always stood out. I stood out from the way I held my pencil, the way I talked, the way I dressed, my interests. I was not like the other girls in my environment. Luckily I was always encouraged by my mom that it’s awesome to be different. Somewhere down the line I grew to love being different. Actually I purposely went against the status quo in different ways. When everyone went right I went left. I grew to love me and the pace in which I was growing. Fast forward to freshman year at Valdosta State I still liked being different but then I wanted to fit in. I started to be a college girl a “fun girl”….you know the girl that’s out often at Thirsty Thursdays, hanging out in the cafeteria with so many of her “friends”, talking to guys like a sports game….basically just being basic. I wasn’t being completely true to myself or my purpose. After a few heart lessons I realized quickly I had to change. I had to be true to myself.

Your ego simply put is the image you have of yourself. Your ego is how society views you. Your ego is what you choose to put on social media. Your ego is a mask. Your ego is concerned with money and success. Your ego is concerned with how others view you. Your ego wants recognition and attention. To some extent your ego is real but it’s not all of you. Your ego consists of different titles and roles. Once again your ego is not all of you. Some may even say your ego is not the real you.

Your soul is real, so real. Your soul is how you treat others that seemingly have nothing to give you. Your soul is your inner voice. Your soul is how you discern right from wrong. Your soul desires to fulfill your God given purpose. Your soul is not glamorous. Your soul asks, “what can I do for others?” Your soul is doing kind things from the heart. Your soul asks, “how can I uplift others?” Your soul is spiritual.

I want my soul to rule my life. I aspire to be SOULed out, not seeking validation from man but living a life of purpose, living for God. I am focused on paying life’s rent….service. I want to get outside mySELF. This life is not solely about me, it’s about the lives I touch. This life is not about stunting on the Gram or throwing the most lavish parties. Life isn’t just one big cocktail party. This life I am LIVING is about the meaningful experiences and relationships I gain along the way. Sometimes I get so caught up on achievement and crossing off goals I forget that the journey is just as important as the achievement.

Soul take over and help me to not ego trip. Being humble, kind and selfless is so underrated.

2018…The Year I Became SOULed Out, The Year I Lived Out My Purpose as a Humanitarian

we all need a little rain

this rain I’m watching out the window pane

matches my mood

through the rain

we can be cleansed

wash me, rinse me, repeat

I want more

I envision the picture

but sometimes it gets blurry

sometimes I throw the paint

it splatters

everywhere

I really do care

a lil too much

he claims what he does is never enough

I might agree

I want more

more than promises

more than ring shopping

do I deserve more?

I swear my heart is a little sore

it has been stepped on

and on ocassions stomped over

we all need a little rain

keeps us humble

after all everybody loves the sunshine

ProLove

Recently for the first time ever I celebrated Kwanzaa. Before celebrating the Kwanzaa holiday I was very excited. I made elaborate plans with my family. I kinda demanded my family to be present every day for seven days. I wanted to spend more time with my family and embark a new tradition of Kwanzaa. Sounds dope right?

Well things did not go according to plan. Most of my family members (family of 4 including me) did not want to celebrate and they thought I was being over the top as always. I was a little deterred from celebrating Kwanzaa because from my understanding it’s a holiday meant to be celebrated with family. Nonetheless I decided I was going to celebrate anyway and whoever decided to celebrate with me cool! If someone didn’t want to celebrate with me that was cool too! I found it absurd that a holiday based off my African American ancestry was barely mentioned by anyone in my community….my whole life! Being an African AmeriCAN is lit so it’s amazing to celebrate your heritage. I decided to attend a cultural service every night of Kwanzaa. The first night was great! At the cultural center I attended there was rich culture from the arts, music, food and messages. However, one message in particular did not sit well with me. One speaker mentioned “the white man is a devil.” My mouth dropped and it was like I watched a bad scene from a movie. I could not believe my ears. I continued to listen and the speaker elaborated on his statement. The speakers statement still did not make sense to me. I even witnessed more than a couple of people leave the cultural center while the speaker continued to spread his message.

What stood out to me was that I am PRO-LOVE. I am proud of who I am but I do not have to put others or an entire race down to uplift myself. It is possible to be pro-black without being anti-white. In the words of Mama Tina, “It’s such beauty in black people, and it really saddens me when we’re not allowed to express that pride in being black, and that if you do, then it’s considered anti-white. No! You just pro-black. And that’s okay. The two don’t go together. Because you celebrate black culture does not mean that you don’t like white culture or that you putting it down.” 

On another note I loved celebrating Kwanzaa! Kwanzaa will definitely be a holiday I’ll celebrate every year proudly!

transparency

Well looks like it’s another night I am up past my bedtime. Fail. Fail. Faillll! I guess setting my bedtime for 9pm is unrealistic. I would love to be one of those people that goes to sleep early and rises up very early. I had another good day but some things I don’t like about myself were highlighted. I like to think I’m a #PositivePatty and apparently other people who observe me think I’m that way as well. Truth is….I’m not always positive. Truth is I am still a work in progress and I don’t know when my masterpiece will be finished.

My alarm clock went off I think at like 7am this morning. I didn’t officially get out of bed until 10:45am. Yikes but heyyy I’m on break from everything. I’m on break from being an educator and I’m on break from being a student. I still have a ton of things to do but I’ve enjoyed sleeping in late almost everyday. I took my dog Ra’Ja out for his morning walk. We came back to our apartment and I prepared for the day. I had a chance to make a few YouTube videos which in fact is uncomfortable for me. I am not used to speaking in front of a camera, their are so many things to be mindful of (rolls eyes). People say, “great things never come from comfort zones.” So I’m getting uncomfortable one day at a time :). My mother and I decided to grab lunch together today. The weather was beautiful and we were on our way to sip tea, eat shrimp tempura and share stories at The Green Ginger. On the way to The Green Ginger my mom mentioned that I should grab lunch with someone I’m not fond of soon. Immediately the mood changed and I felt like I was being set up by my own mama!! Why would she mention me eating lunch with “such and such”? I vocalized my feelings and for that moment in time things went downhill. It’s crazy how a comment could change the whole mood. I felt justified with my feelings and I insisted I wouldn’t be “fake” by spending time with someone I’m not fond of. Earlier today I had no regrets. Now…..I have regrets. I speak so much about positivity, showing love and being supportive of others. I listen to motivational messages about loving your neighbors and forgiveness. I feel bad now because in this aspect I wasn’t practicing what I’ve been preaching. I need to let go of bitterness, unforgiveness and judging others due to their faults. No one is perfect. We could all be more loving. We could all be more mindful of our words. We could all be more patient with others.

It may seem cliche but What Would God Do? We were created in his image. We have to shine our lights!