rollercoaster of…life

roller-coaster.jpgI’m not one to complain.
I’m not one to throw a pity party…but lately I’ve challenged myself to experience emotions and not conceal them.
#BeTransparent
My life is a rollercoaster sometimes I’m going up, up and away then other times the next move is downward spiral. I’ve been taught to embrace life and understand with struggles come progress.
Beyonce has even put out #Lemonade in efforts to show that life especially married life isn’t always sweet! When life serves you lemons, make lemonade.
The thing of it all though is that I CRAVE security and a sense of consistency in relationships. I don’t like feeling fragile, I want what I have to be solid.
I need to know that love is unconditional,need to know I’m supported and valued. It’s easy to say I love you. It’s even easy to do acts of love. It’s hard to love when people don’t act how we imagine they should act. It’s hard to love when we are hurt. Is love all so natural or should we work on the way we love others, the way we love ourselves?
“her whole life is on a ride.” & she’s forced to embrace the ride

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the fragility of relationships

The fragility of relationships..
One minute that’s your baby
Next minute he’s thinking should I call her? maybe
Have we had poor examples of love?
Love can seem so conditional..
as long as he’s doing what you want…it’s all good
the only love that seems real is Nina and Darius Lovehall
and even that shit was uncertain
what happens when the credits roll and we close that curtain?
we look good on camera
is it all an illusion?
we gotta constantly communicate
or is it a bunch of confusion?
highlight reels but is it really real?
conditional or unconditional
they act like to get it you gotta look superficial
we don’t know how to take it slow
we want everything in an instant
they say we want it so badly that we ruin it before it truly begins
we preach we don’t wanna neva end
but we look for love when we don’t feel it anymore
filling voids with these dating sites
but it makes you feel all right
we don’t even know how to appreciate being alone
do you really know yourself?
we get to know others before we know our self
the fragility of relationships makes it hard to trust
the fragility of relationships makes it hard for us to stay together through any weather
the fragility of relationships has us thinking we have to prove some things
the fragility of relationships

wednesday w/her

People give advice the best way THEY can even when it’s not asked or needed. Everyone just wants to share.

Today at one of my part time hustles (the hotel) a co-worker asked me if I were going anywhere for SpringBreak. My co- worker knows I’m an educator and schools are out for SpringBreak. I told my co- worker I do not celebrate anymore since I have graduated from school. Now I just take vacations when I feel like it not because of a “spring break.” I make my own breaks because my jobs at the moment are on call and I’m able to do that. My co- worker looked at me and laughed she said, “oh you’re a grown up now?” Of course I replied yes.

I told my co- worker I have only been interested in working during this break. Working so I can save for nice things. The kid I mean grown up is tired of being broke and bougee.

Ms.I my co- worker pulled me aside and said,”look you need to make time to have fun and enjoy your life.” Obviously she thinks I just work and don’t have my fun. Obviously she’s wrong…I’ve had too much fun over the years and made bad decisions. Now it’s time for me to be responsible and make better decisions for my future so I won’t always be HUSTLIN’. The 2-3 job life is not ideal but I get things done and I’ll hustle until I get to where I wanna be.

In my head, I was like yeah Ms.I might have had a lot of fun when she was young but she’s still at the hotel and not in a management position…I don’t want to be like her in that aspect hustlin’ with those 12 hour shifts.

But I guess…people give advice the best way they can. People mean well but their advice isn’t always the best. Use your own discernment to decide what is best for your life.

moments in happiness

Today I talked with my mom after we left dinner at one of our favorite spots. We almost always talk about the same things… love, relationships and our aspirations. My mom told me how she ultimately wanted happiness for both of her children. I told my mom I didn’t believe in permanent happiness. Happiness is temporary and a moment. I can’t imagine life being happy every single day. I believe we need a a healthy balance or mixture of emotions. No one should endure sadness for too long and it’s unrealistic to be unaffected & happy every day of our lives. I’ve noticed there has not been a time when I was happy permanently. I have had beautiful moments of happiness and extremely bright days where I felt like it was eternal sunshine…but then something happens, LIFE happens. I have learned to control my reactions better to unpleasant things. I haven’t been completely happy with anyone in my life at ALL times. I wonder what it is like to be in a permanent state of happiness…is it really unrealistic? or maybe I have given up on the notion.

Ultimately I want peace. Peace is when you accept things as they are. Peace is when you can recognize things are not always perfect and IT IS OK.

I’ve been thinking about weddings and marriage a lot lately.
Partly because a good friend of mine asked me on my birthday this year to be her MOH or what I like to call it Chief Bridesmaid.
My friend told me her wedding is this year and we have only a few months to plan. While I know it’s not my wedding the little perfectionist in me wants the occasion to be stress free, special and very memorable for her. I’ve never been a MOH or even a bridesmaid so while I am excited I feel a little nervous. I don’t know how this whole thing goes and my friend is nervous herself.
As I think about weddings I reflect on how special the day is but I also think it’s JUST a way to put your love on a platform for OTHERS. Weddings are EXTRA. I have always envisioned myself having a beautiful wedding with the man I love. While I do not know who I would marry I have always known I would have a wedding and I even have the details. What girl doesn’t dream of having a wedding?
As I get older I realize I’ve been caught up in the idea of things. I do want a husband but now I don’t know if it’s URGENT for me to have a wedding. You’re probably thinking I have time to think of things like weddings…and you’re right..I do. I don’t want to be one of those girls caught up in material and extravagant things. When I get married I want to focus on being married and being happy with the man God sent me. Weddings are beautiful but if they are stressful, they put you in debt and add anxiety/ drama….are weddings really worth it? Love is shared between TWO people and I don’t believe it is NECESSARY to put your love on display for OTHERS.

growing…

when we meet people we try to learn, observe and study them.. well no when we decide to date them we try to learn, observe and study them. We figure we will learn what makes the other person happy, sad,angry and all the in betweens.

the thing is…everyone wants to present the best version of themselves…and that’s fine. but do you know the REAL person?
Can you handle the REAL person?
Will you be there for the REAL person?

See people think relationships are all about cute pictures, holidays spent together and love songs.
Relationships are WORK, I do not care what anyone says and times are not always easy.
At times it seems like you two are so close and everything feels so right.
Other times it feels like you are growing…apart.
Does growing apart mean you should fight to make things better or does it mean you should let things naturally evolve?
When do we stop fighting?
When do we accept things as they are?
I get caught up in the vision, how things could be. I am a dreamer but I do need to deal with reality.